let's just say I'm a lazy man.
But now I've returned, angels a-heralding, crows a-cawing, creative juices a-flowing, all the majesty of nature working in unison.
Or something.
..................
So I owe it to you all to write an extra long post covering topics from across the board.
Let's get down to brass-tacks: It's nearly October. And with a full third of a year left to go, it's time we here at Inane Ramblings ask the hard questions...the questions that penetrate to the core of American values... the questions that blast the light of knowledge through the dark heart of ignorance! The questions which upend the status quo!...Shake the cages!...Ruffle the feathers...Defibrillate the right duodenum!
*Ahem*...So without further adieu....
McCain or Obama?
One's campaign delivers on all the neatly packaged buzzwords that America needs in trying times....words like hope, and change, and terrorist fist jab. And the other is......I mean, he's old. Like, really old.
One man represents the opportunities of America, an icon for a too-long disenfranchised minority. One man is.....he's still old, so old. And white. Old and white.
But it's too easy to denigrate McCain for his age. After all, who among us can say we'll achieve a superior mental state or physical attractiveness over McCain when we're 71? Hell if I'm even genetically human when I turn 71 I'll be pleased. And who knows if I'll even be potent, as years of playing video games will have left my genitals withered and useless.
And it's hard to malign a human being who survived years of torture and hardship at the hands of the Vietcong. Have any of us known such difficulty? I mean, yeah we've all tried playing Contra without the Konami Code. That was hardship. But still....I don't know, maybe the VC torture tops that.
.........................................................
What am I saying? Contra has never been beaten without the Konami Code. We have at least one example of a man who lived through VC torture. So Contra wins this battle.
The Planned Box Art for "The Wacky Adventures of Obama and the Capital Dome"And then there's Barack Obama. I'll admit the man has charm, charisma...he can cross a mean set of arms, too. In fact, if I'm the voter, I'd say he's too charming. Especially if I live in D.C. and have a girlfriend/wife/mistress/maid/daughter. Seriously, Obama is pretty much the black JFK right? I'll put the over/under of Obama bedding half of D.C. at.....um.......'yes'. (I've never been good with gambling terminology.) So the point is:
Black JFK versus the Ancient One?
My pick: Obama in an election day thriller reminiscent of Jackson/Quincy Adams 1828, when the election process was marred by a glut of what contemporary publications called "Flippant Haberdashery" and "Quintiferous squeeninnyism."
In other news, early press reports have discovered the various election coverage mottos for each of the major outlets:
Fox News:
"Congratulations McCain!"
CNN:
"Election '08: Each Candidate in 3 buzzwords or less!"
MSNBC:
"Election Day '08: Fuck Yeah!"
What the fuck is a "Quantum of Solace"?
quan·tum noun
sol·ace noun
1.comfort in sorrow, misfortune, or trouble; alleviation of distress or discomfort.
OOOOHHHHHH I see. I'll admit, "A Particular Amount of Comfort in Sorrow, Misfortune, or Trouble" is more wordy. But seriously, the alternative for that title they chose was "Quantum of Solace"? That sounds like Max Planck's biography. Or maybe a spaceship. But as far as movie titles go it's eclipsed in awfulness only by "Rural Juror".
Why is everyone so afraid of a new Cold War?
Whether they would admit it or not, most people, myself very included, would gladly welcome a new Cold War.
Many pundits and opinion-havers claim to fear the rise of Russia and what seems like a burgeoning second Cold War; the recent turmoil in Georgia and the war of words over the U.S. Missile Defense system in Poland (of which Russian spokeshumans hinted at nuclear retaliation) is starting to feel very 1960's to 1980's. And yeah I know, times were scary and tense, nuclear war was a distinct possibility, Soviet atrocities in East Berlin yadda yadda wonk wonk wonk WHATEVER.
The truth is, the Cold War has provided us with an impossibly rich (pop) cultural legacy, the output of which has not been seen since the Populist movement of the late 1800's ushered in the era of bluegrass/folk, county fairs, pigwrestling bouts, and sorghum chewing.
I beseech you, noble reader: Would Ivan Drago be nearly as hateable if he hadn't been a Rooskie? Or for that matter, have we considered the needs of the man behind Drago, Dolph Lundgren, who can directly trace his fame to taking advantage of the Cold War intrigue?
Nothing says evil Commie punk like an icy blond flattop
Could you endure living in a cinematic time where there is no Dr. Strangelove? Without a Cold War, there's no "Miracle on Ice", no shoe-banging dramatics....dammit, none of the beautiful works of Tchaikovsky!
(--Uh...Jordan, I'm pretty sure that Tchaikovsky wasn't even alive when----)
SHUT UP
Without the creative possibilities inspired by Soviet and U.S. nuke-mongering, Tom Clancy is making subs at an Eastern Shore WaWa, and John LeCarre is probably....doing.......whatever he does when he isn't writing spy novels! And you can forget about there being space stations; without a Cold War and the need to one-up the Soviets, we're only just now, in 2008, building toy rockets.......most likely.
The point, friends, is that we need this Cold War to further America! Everyone knows that no one really cares about anything unless it's a competition. So the Russians think they're the shit because they can destroy the world 3 times over? Well we just churn churn churn our little H-bombs and we destroy the world 5 times over! Damn! What! Shit! Balls! Eat it John Q. Cossack! And thus the spirit of competition ever encourages us onwards and upwards.
Now of course you're going to have the whiners, and the Peaceniks, and the "You-Can't-Hug-Your-Children-With-Nuclear-Arms" crowd saying that a new Cold War might very well end in Armageddon. And what then is the point of a cultural and patriotic legacy if the world is destroyed? Tsk tsk tsk. To those narrow-minded individuals I say to you now:
Clearly, you've learned nothing from watching Mad Max: Return to Thunderdome.
If this is what Armageddon looks like, then count me in.
In other news, early press reports have discovered the various election coverage mottos for each of the major outlets:
Fox News:
"Congratulations McCain!"
CNN:
"Election '08: Each Candidate in 3 buzzwords or less!"
MSNBC:
"Election Day '08: Fuck Yeah!"
What the fuck is a "Quantum of Solace"?
quan·tum noun
| 1. | quantity or amount: the least quantum of evidence. |
| 2. | a particular amount. |
1.comfort in sorrow, misfortune, or trouble; alleviation of distress or discomfort.
OOOOHHHHHH I see. I'll admit, "A Particular Amount of Comfort in Sorrow, Misfortune, or Trouble" is more wordy. But seriously, the alternative for that title they chose was "Quantum of Solace"? That sounds like Max Planck's biography. Or maybe a spaceship. But as far as movie titles go it's eclipsed in awfulness only by "Rural Juror".
Why is everyone so afraid of a new Cold War?
Whether they would admit it or not, most people, myself very included, would gladly welcome a new Cold War.
Many pundits and opinion-havers claim to fear the rise of Russia and what seems like a burgeoning second Cold War; the recent turmoil in Georgia and the war of words over the U.S. Missile Defense system in Poland (of which Russian spokeshumans hinted at nuclear retaliation) is starting to feel very 1960's to 1980's. And yeah I know, times were scary and tense, nuclear war was a distinct possibility, Soviet atrocities in East Berlin yadda yadda wonk wonk wonk WHATEVER.
The truth is, the Cold War has provided us with an impossibly rich (pop) cultural legacy, the output of which has not been seen since the Populist movement of the late 1800's ushered in the era of bluegrass/folk, county fairs, pigwrestling bouts, and sorghum chewing.
I beseech you, noble reader: Would Ivan Drago be nearly as hateable if he hadn't been a Rooskie? Or for that matter, have we considered the needs of the man behind Drago, Dolph Lundgren, who can directly trace his fame to taking advantage of the Cold War intrigue?
Nothing says evil Commie punk like an icy blond flattopCould you endure living in a cinematic time where there is no Dr. Strangelove? Without a Cold War, there's no "Miracle on Ice", no shoe-banging dramatics....dammit, none of the beautiful works of Tchaikovsky!
(--Uh...Jordan, I'm pretty sure that Tchaikovsky wasn't even alive when----)
SHUT UP
Without the creative possibilities inspired by Soviet and U.S. nuke-mongering, Tom Clancy is making subs at an Eastern Shore WaWa, and John LeCarre is probably....doing.......whatever he does when he isn't writing spy novels! And you can forget about there being space stations; without a Cold War and the need to one-up the Soviets, we're only just now, in 2008, building toy rockets.......most likely.
The point, friends, is that we need this Cold War to further America! Everyone knows that no one really cares about anything unless it's a competition. So the Russians think they're the shit because they can destroy the world 3 times over? Well we just churn churn churn our little H-bombs and we destroy the world 5 times over! Damn! What! Shit! Balls! Eat it John Q. Cossack! And thus the spirit of competition ever encourages us onwards and upwards.
Now of course you're going to have the whiners, and the Peaceniks, and the "You-Can't-Hug-Your-Children-With-Nuclear-Arms" crowd saying that a new Cold War might very well end in Armageddon. And what then is the point of a cultural and patriotic legacy if the world is destroyed? Tsk tsk tsk. To those narrow-minded individuals I say to you now:
Clearly, you've learned nothing from watching Mad Max: Return to Thunderdome.
If this is what Armageddon looks like, then count me in.