Why Are You Still Reading This??

McNulty: I got to ask you. If every time Snotboogie would grab the money and run away, why'd you even let him in the game?
Witness: You got to, this is America man.


I ask you again: why are you still reading this blog, when you could be watching the wire right now?? That 200 bucks you have set aside for....for "rent"? "F-o-o-o-o-o-d"? Petty obstacles blocking you from your true purpose. Plunk that money down on the wire seasons 1-4 DVD set and sign away the next week of your life. I could sit here all day and talk to you about the wire and I would not even be close to overhyping it.

Of course, there are some who might read this who have watched it or are currently on the path...I congratulate them. But what about the rest of you!?

"Oh I'll get to that eventually, I've heard it's good and all I just haven't found the time."

Certainly this quote applies to a great many quality things out there----Studio Ghibli films (more on that in a later post), the Dark Side of the Moon album, reading Catch-22, 3am visits to Waffle House----certainly these are great things that may end up getting pushed out of the way by the natural disorder and chaos of life. But The Wire deserves all expenditure of your time, and wallet!

"Get to the point, asshole!"

Alrightalrightalright, relax. Let me tell you about the Wire. It's hands down the most realistic, cynical, genuine show there is concerning crime. Most network crime shows--even the 'best' of the bunch like L&O or NYPD Blue--are mainly concerned with moralistic cops and robbers tales. Each episode is about unraveling the crime at hand, and the resolution is either "We Got 'Em!" or "damn, he got away.....this time!" But the problem with those shows is that they don't question the elements of criminality at all. Sure they show worlds we don't get to see every day, but in the end it's just escapist entertainment.

The Wire, by showing us a complete criminal world from the corner boys to City Hall, gives us a full picture for how crime is addressed in modern America. The police force is driven more by politics and self-aggrandizement then any crime-prevention ideal....the drug world is filled more with innocent, no-way-out outcasts than it is with sadistic criminals. Ultimately, the people are at the mercy of the broader institutions of life, whose authority no one can fight back against, if they're even smart enough to question.

But getting away from metaphysical mumbo-jumbo, the acting and writing are all flawless. Seasoned actors mix with the everyday citizens of Baltimore who often fill in the numerous roles--and only screentime, not ability, tells you who is supposed to be the "pro" actor. The writing is impeccable, wrought from the extensive experience of the creator and head producer, David Simon and Ed Burns (no, not that Ed Burns), who have at least 40 years, I believe, of combined Baltimore experience.


Of course if you want to see better written reviews of the show, there are countless articles from esquire, or the new yorker, or the atlantic (which I linked to in an earlier post), or AV Club, all available on the Internet. If you haven't read those, then they will be far more informative. I only hope that anyone who reads this will be driven to pursue the show and/or those articles with a mad fervor.

The best I can do, is not to analyze the show, but to yell from the highest mountains and the deepest seas: drop what you're doing, whatever it is, right now, and start watching the Wire. Now.

If you don't know who this is, you have a lot of catching up to do.

Video Games Make Me Feel Old

The other week I was helping my father set up his e-mail account. Keep in mind the man is 70-odd years of age, and the only computer experience he has is the solitaire program. And as I was teaching him, I realized just how much we take for granted when we use the internet. We know what a browser is, what a window is, how to find a link, the fact that links come in different colors and tabs and sizes etc. etc. My father of course was completely baffled at first by the whole process, and when you think about it, who can blame him? We're so de-sensitized to the internet's complexity, not just because we've used it so frequently, but also because it's not that revolutionary to us. We were all born into a world with computers; my dad's birth predates ENIAC by like...2o years. Obviously, the jump from typewriter to internet is a bigger leap than one that we've faced.

The reason I bring this all up is that I've noticed with dread that the same thing is happening to me and this New Generation of video games. I remember back in the day that to play a video game you put the game in the thing, hit the power button, that's it. But having fallen out of touch with these new systems, due primarily to financial restrictions and a general fade in interest, I realize how old I am. Xbox live? Wii menu? What is this? Of course, I realize that if I owned these systems they're not that complicated to pick up. But nothing makes me feel more ancient than fumbling around on xbox live trying to play the damn game and I end up drooling all over myself and falling asleep at 2 in the afternoon.

But of course, it's not just the complexity of the games themselves. It's the quality also. Games today are trying to emulate Hollywood blockbusters--more graphics, more explosions, more violence. But where's the heart, friends? Where's the heart? This fascinating discussion by Slate.com video game edtiors (courtesy Ben Mauk) discusses how the median age of the first gamers has obviously risen while games have refused to age along with them, creating an unfulfilling generation of games that seek to entertain but not provoke (among other philosophical conundrums.)

Of course it's hard to argue with the big budget approach of games nowadays, given the unstoppable success of the industry as a whole. Video games are making more money than ever, eclipsing Hollywood itself in total revenue. And perhaps you've heard of the various video game tournament and video game leagues out there, offering six-figure contracts to the best players? There's no denying that video games are grabbing the younger generation of gamers even more powerfully than it did the first generation(s) of gamers.

This game requires a Pentium 8 computer with 3 gigs of RAM and 5 kajillion MB of hard-drive space.

In the end though, the march of high-tech gaming is unstoppable. When I started this post, I thought I'd be able to find a deeper meaning in it all, but I realize I'm just a bitter old man who can't get behind these newfangled systems. Bah! Who needs 'em? When those kids throw away their soon-to-be obsolete PS3s and 360s and they move on to the new $600, 50 lb. system with blu-ray capabilities and a built-in shoebuffer and coffee grinder, me and the old folks will still be rockin' Super Metroid and Ocarina of Time, and we'll be damn grateful for the opportunity too.

Now this is a game.

Wham-Bam, What the F--k Just Happened?

Many of you know my vested interest in basketball, both as a sport of leisure and as a gentleman's game of wits and words. Unfortunately, I know few personally who share this interest, and fewer still who want to play the game. But this blog will no doubt be filled with many basketball posts and references. Hopefully by the end you all will have been inundated with so much basketball that you'll have no choice but to become a devoted fan of the sport. With that said....

If you told me that the Wizards were going to beat Boston twice in a row, I'd have called you a goddamn liar. A lousy, no-account goddamn liar. I would've called you the worst human being since Hitler, and I'd be right too. But here we are: the Wiz now sit at a not-too-bad 20 and 16, and the Celtics (2-3 in their last 5) no longer seem invincible. Even more amazing though is what the Wiz are doing all this without Arenas.

The Wizards were one of those teams like the Lakers and the Bucks--without their best player they were nothing. Guaranteed creampuffs. But this Bullets team is different. They have chemistry and maturity. Jamison and Butler form a great two-man combo; Jamison is one of five 20 point/10 rebound players in the whole league, and Butler is playing the best basketball of his career. Together, they are the highest scoring forward tandem in the league. They're also getting decent production out of their role players--Blatche is only going to get better, and Haywood, although he never will be a top tier center, is having a better-than-average year. (Perhaps knowing that he won't have to compete with Etan for the starter's spot gives him less to worry about.)



Of course, the tempting assumption is that when Arenas does return the Wizards will become even more powerful. But should we be so hasty? No doubt Arenas is an offensive force, and everyone in D.C. will be cheering his return, but let's not forget some basic facts:

1. Arenas is so concerned with proving all his nay-sayers wrong and building himself up that he's becoming something of a diva. Sure, he's no Randy Moss, but I see his burgeoning arrogance becoming a problem down the line. Will he be able to mesh with the Wizards nicely, now that they've found a collective strength? Or will he again become the focus and force the rest of the team--more or less--into a secondary role?

2. It's a well-known fact around the Verizon Center that Jamison is considered the team's locker room leader. Even though Arenas is the star, he's repeatedly stated that he doesn't want to be the locker room leader, that he's not serious enough, that he'd rather be the joker. You're telling me that this doesn't at least have the possibility to cause locker room problems? He's the star, but he's not taking advantage of this to be a real leader?

Of course, I'm not saying he should hold himself to 20 points, or 20 field goal attempts, and then just pass the rest of the way. But ideally, when he returns, Arenas should lower his PPG totals a little bit (from his typical range of 27-29; he's at 22 this season which should suffice), raise his assists per game to 7 or 8, maybe even 9, and acknowledge that this team is no longer Arenas' wizards. He can still be the star, but fortunately the Wiz have evolved beyond the point where he needs to carry them on his back.

(Of course, let's give the man credit for being the funniest player in the NBA. His blog is already famous, but here's a link anyway--humorous and insightful.)

1/15 Update: How the Wizards are going to be Boston twice and then lose to the Knicks is beyond me. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt for now, but they better not start playing to their competition, the scourge of nearly all D.C. metro area teams.


------More links!

Everyone knows there's no one more basketball than Frank Sinatra, so I've included a link to a groundbreaking article from 1965 by Gay Talese. If you have 30 minutes, it's a fascinating look at Sinatra's unique gravitas and power. You think Zak Efron has a chance of turning his own heartthrob-singer career into something like Frank's? Maybe once he starts kicking people out of Hollywood bars he doesn't even own for wearing Italian boots...we'll see.

This is a link I stole from ESPN.com's Bill Simmons, but dammit it's fascinating. It's an article on David Simon, creator of "The Wire" (which you'll definitely see a post about in the near future, trust me), that analyzes the neutrality and authenticity of Simon's alternate-reality Baltimore.


Lastly, here's a bizarre photograph of me and current Cincinnati Bearcats quarterback Ben Mauk for no reason. I'm the one who looks really fucking weird.

Ode to Erin Esurance

Oh Erin Esurance, why must you only exist in cartoon form?

I have a secret, unrequited love for double E, and if anyone reading this claims they don't have that same love then they're a damn liar. I mean...the neon-pink hair! The kick-ass way she dispatches evil competitor auto insurance companies! The basketball outfit!...Damn! Erin Esurance is almost perfect..........almost.

Of course, Esurance's fatal flaw comes from the inherent implication of her work, her inherent betrayal of all that is good and decent--her unashamed endorsement of auto insurance. As we all know, auto insurance is probably the greatest scam perpetrated on the average American. I mean, it's so brilliant it's scary: "Alright guys...we'll make people pay us hundreds of dollars to insure their cars...but we call all the shots on how to spend it! Don't worry valued customer, we'll say, we're more concerned about you than our profit margin. And, we'll force them to go through our own mechanics! They won't...I don't know, be biased right? Success!" I mean, how is that possible? And of course, the real coup de grace, the true genius--it's illegal not to have it! The greatest victory for any scam is making it legitimate. What if every American who owned a car was required to go to Atlantic City every three months to play a $500 game of three card monte with the seediest dirtbag on the boardwalk? Doesn't that sound just as ridiculous? Of course, it's not an issue if you don't want a car...I mean, America is small enough to get around without one right?

(I realize that anyone who's had to deal with auto insurance...which is pretty much everyone...already knows all this stuff. I just fucking hate car insurance so much I needed to rant about it somewhere.)

Whoever thought of car insurance...they're evil bastards, but dammit you gotta admire the genius of it. I especially admire the genius of Esurance's marketing department. I mean, they have me and (I have no doubt) others completely at their beck and call--If signing up with Esurance means having the faintest shot at getting with Erin Esurance, then dammit, I'm in! Now I know most of you are saying, "Wait Jordan, she's a cartoon! You can't do anything to get with her!" This may be true. But what I can do, is go all creepy Jimmy Stewart-in-Vertigo and dress up some random floozy in Erin Esurance's image, before I become indirectly responsible when she ends up falling out of a clocktower.........

Actually, you should all forget that I wrote any of that. The point is, Erin Esurance is the hottest cartoon female since April O'Neal, and car insurance is fucking evil.

A Scene From The Offices of Dan Snyder

Nameless Lackey: Sir, since Joe Gibbs has retired, we're going to have to name a new head coach.

Dan Snyder: Mm-hmm....

NL: We might try to court Bill Cowher, but he may not want to return just yet. Russ Grimm has been a great assistant for years, and obviously having a Skins alumnus would be great. But promoting Gregg Williams would make the most logical sense. The players love him and he's been here for years.

DS: I'm intrigued by your theories, Lackey. But I have already chosen a front runner. Archobel! Reveal the new head coach!

(Archobel, a freakishly hideous manservant of indeterminate origin, pushes out a cart from a side room. On the cart is a big, full sack marked $)

NL: ............................I don't get it.

DS: I call it the Sack of Money, lackey! He will inspire confidence on the sidelines, provide leadership to our players, and break down opposing teams with his ruthless strategies! Most importantly, as is his innate ability, he will solve all our problems.

NL: Uh.........look, Dan. Football teams aren't businesses. They're teams! You can't just throw money at it! You need to deal with...you know...chemistry? Character? The intangibles! It's the intangibles that--

DS: Ahh! So it's "intangibles", is it? How much do those run for nowadays?

NL: Ohhhhhh you! (the Lackey chases Dan Snyder around the room as Yakkety Sax plays in the background)


I can only hope that this satire does not come to pass! Actually, in all fairness, it is my understanding that Williams is in fact the front-runner for the job, and that they are set to interview him. Further, Gibbs will hang around as a special advisor...whatever that means. It looks like someone finally told Snyder that managing a football team is not the same as managing a marketing company or a Six Flags! (Truthfully, the first smart moves were actually made in 2004, both in the decision of re-hiring Gibbs and also not firing him when he posted a losing season.) I wouldn't even try to pretend I know more about straight business than Snyder, who really is brilliant in that field, but hopefully the past couple of years has shown him that having a new head coach for each new season is not the best way to inspire a team to victory.


Now for some random links!

--You all remember that movie Leon, right? Or The Professional as they called it in the States for some reason...Anyway, there is a scene in the movie where Leon goes to a movie theater and we see him innocently enjoying a brief scene that shows Gene Kelly dancing on roller skates. Thanks to the power of Youtube, I can now present the full scene here (avec sous-titres en Francais!) If this video doesn't make you want to grab your favorite guy or gal and head on over to the local soda fountain, you're a soulless monster.

It's no wonder our parents mock our generation and wax nostalgic about the good old days. They had Gene Kelly ("But now my love has got me ridin' high! She likes me so, so do I!") and we have Lil Jon ("To the window, to the wall! Til the sweat drips off my balls, til all these bitches crawl!")

--I was thinking of saving this post for when I blog about basketball, but what the hell. Here's a video of some Detroit Pistons players getting in the holiday spirit. By the way, for those of you not in the know, the big man in the background who's really feeling it is Rasheed Wallace. He's probably the Pistons' most ridiculous player, as this video might have indicated. Stick with the video for a little bit to see him break it down.

Lastly, here's a photo of Seth Cohen and Brett Cassedy from a recent New Year's Eve Party.

Seth, Brett, it is now your duty to form a Hall and Oates style duo and make this your first album cover.


Til next time, kids!

(Oh yeah, and if any of the agents of Dan Snyder's Private Death Squad come across this blog, it was actually written by Sean Hester.)

In Defense of Billy Madison

To many people, following a There Will Be Blood post with a defense of Billy Madison is something like, "Well I just finished War and Peace, I better read up on my Penthouse Forum." But please, hear me out.

Many people know that Billy Madison is my hands down, absolutely no question favorite comedy of all time. But I've noticed that I am in rare company (there's me........maybe Tim......yep. I mean, I know many people out there who like it, but to say "favorite"?) Many people just can't get behind the inherent "stupidity" of the movie. It's silly, it doesn't make sense...it sophomoric. I'm here to tell you that Billy Madison is in fact true genius, and that it should rank up there amongst Michelangelo's David and the Pyramids as testaments to the possibility of human creation.

First of all, about 98% of the jokes have nothing to do with the movie. If you cut out all the "unnecessary" scenes, jokes, shots etc. etc. the movie would be like 10 minutes long. Allow me to give you a listing of some of the best moments, and let it blow your mind that they all end up in the same film somehow.

Remember that part where Billy sees a man in a penguin suit when he gets drunk?

Remember any and all of Chris Farley's scenes as psychotic bus driver?

Remember that scene where Billy's two friends inexplicably show up with the bus driver and eat all the students' lunches when they are on a field trip?

Remember the montage sequence when Billy is in first grade and they...they actually put the time, effort, and money to have this shot...they show a scene where his teacher clearly delights in smearing glue all over her eyes?

Remember that part where Steve Buscemi's character Danny McGrath(any movie with SB automatically gets a minium 8.5 rating), upon getting Billy's phone call apology decides he's not going to kill him anymore and relaxes by putting on lipstick?

Of course we haven't even gotten into dialogue yet. This movie's dialogue would make the Bard weep with envy.

Frank: Hey Billy who would you rather bone....Meg Ryan...or Jack Nicholson?
Billy: Jack Nicholson now, or Jack Nicholson 1974.
Frank: '74
Billy: ............Meg Ryan

So....he'd rather bone the old Jack Nicholson over '74 Nicholson? or Meg Ryan? Or maybe the brilliance is that this isn't some some jokey ha ha conversation to show their rapport, it's just an honest question with an honest answer. Done. Next scene.

Bus Driver: That Veronica Vaughn, is one piece of aaacccee. I know from experience dude, if you know what I mean.
Billy: .........No you don't.
Bus Driver: Well, not me personally. But a guy I know, he and her got it on! whooo--eeeee heh hah..ha......
Billy: No they didn't!
Bus Driver: ....No no no they didn't. But you can imagine what it'd be like if they did, huh? Right? Haha...heh.....oh......

And what about the one-liners? (If pissing your pants is cool, than consider me Miles Davis.)
Or a movie having cameos by Norm MacDonald, Chris Farley, and Steve Buscemi?
Or that pointless running subplot involving the downfall of the O'Doyle clan?
Or that completely ridiculous two-minute song in the middle featuring that clown that you saw for like 10 seconds earlier in the movie and then immediately forgot?


Alright alright alright. I realize that this analysis is simply a rehashing of all the quotes and scenes in the movie. Further, you all know by now I'm being (a little) facetious. We all know this movie is no Citizen Kane. But when you're talking about pure comedy, how many laughs per minute you're getting from the movie, how can you go wrong? For every film minute I think I die laughing at least two or three times. I hope that seeing some of the best moments captured in one post will convince you all to look back and say "You know...that really was the best comedy crafted by human hands!"



And if you still wanna be a dick about it then by all means bust your gut watching Gosford Park.

Being an Account of Ben and Jordan's Night at the Movies

Me and Ben went to see THERE WILL BE BLOOD tonight. And maaaaaaaannnnn........I could tell you how awesome it was and why, but why force you to read my gushing praise when there are thousands of other, vastly superior web sites out there devoted to the task? All you need to know is that right after it ended I looked a lot like this crazy Oregon fan.

(I fucking love this picture by the way. I....I just don't get it. Is he making this face because he's winning? What?)

I know that isn't descriptive enough. Let me just say that the score, done by Jonny Greenwood of Radiohead fame, was amazingly apt, and that if Daniel Day-Lewis doesn't win the award for best actor from every award-giving body than I'm going to spit. You know what? just...just......just go. Leave now. If it's after midnight break into a movie theater and set up the projector. The night in jail you'll spend with Dirty Ears Bill will be worth it, trust me.

That having been said, 2007 was a really strong year for films wasn't it? I mean, I don't think anyone saw this coming, but every month delievered at least 2 or 3 (and moreso as we approached 2008) "I-gotta-see-that!" movies. Sadly I haven't seen too many myself, but my must-see list has nearly tripled in size. (If anyone wants to buy me a Netflix subscription, then please, be my guest.) I originally planned to make this post about how memorable this year will be in the cinematic history of things, but then I realized how little of this year's movies I've seen and that I'd probably just end up making an ass of myself. That having been said, based simply on hype, criticisms, praise, etc. (and what I've seen personally) I really believe that 2007 year will be considered a landmark cinema year in the future.

It's getting late, but let me wrap some things up with some random links and good time ha-ha laughs.

Maybe some of you know a comic that shows up in alternative weeklies called "Perry Bible Fellowship"? If you haven't then believe you me you are missing out. It's kinda hit and miss, but when it hits, it's damn good. Here are two of my favorites to introduce the uninitiated...

http://pbfcomics.com/?cid=PBF222-Gamblin_Man.jpg

http://pbfcomics.com/?cid=PBF186-Guntron_Alliance_Force.jpg

And lastly, another great sports picture:




Whoever took this picture deserves a Pulitzer. I mean...just an innocuous, random slice-of-life shot of the fans during the LSU--OSU championship game...and you get this? This fucking...perfection? I mean, what's the best part? Is it the fact that the LSU fans have the balls to just mock these guys right next to them? Is it the fact that the OSU fans are too depressed to fight back?.........No it's gotta be the faces of the two LSU fans on the right. This is probably the best example of a picture that could just never, ever, anywhere be staged. Ahhh the joys of victory......we at Maryland will have to wait a while longer to taste it, but kudos to LSU.

(Do I have to give credit for these things? Uhh....let's just say it was the AP or Reuters. Good enough.)

Welcome.

Hello, friends. I was bored at work one day (Adam, if you're reading this, what I mean is I found some time in between my laborious tasks), and I decided to start a blog. I have no idea what its about, but I hope that it will amuse similiarly bored capitalist cogs like myself in all the manner of subjects which I hold dear: movies...music...gonzo journalism...pretentiousness...Sinatra. Plus, it might be useful to start actually writing something, since that seems where life is pushing me.

Not that this is going to be some kind of daily livejournal-esque diary. Really, I'd write one of those and be set for the rest of my life. Take the following steps--any order, it doesn't matter--and you'll all learn the extent of my life. Sleep, work, food, video games, alcohol, books...that's it. (Of course, I could tell you all about I finally beat the Emerald WEAPON which earned me the Earth Harp which, of course, got me a Gold Chocobo, but that might be a little too esoteric.)

That all being out of the way, we can finally get down to brass tacks....how much for the ape?