Ode to Erin Esurance

Oh Erin Esurance, why must you only exist in cartoon form?

I have a secret, unrequited love for double E, and if anyone reading this claims they don't have that same love then they're a damn liar. I mean...the neon-pink hair! The kick-ass way she dispatches evil competitor auto insurance companies! The basketball outfit!...Damn! Erin Esurance is almost perfect..........almost.

Of course, Esurance's fatal flaw comes from the inherent implication of her work, her inherent betrayal of all that is good and decent--her unashamed endorsement of auto insurance. As we all know, auto insurance is probably the greatest scam perpetrated on the average American. I mean, it's so brilliant it's scary: "Alright guys...we'll make people pay us hundreds of dollars to insure their cars...but we call all the shots on how to spend it! Don't worry valued customer, we'll say, we're more concerned about you than our profit margin. And, we'll force them to go through our own mechanics! They won't...I don't know, be biased right? Success!" I mean, how is that possible? And of course, the real coup de grace, the true genius--it's illegal not to have it! The greatest victory for any scam is making it legitimate. What if every American who owned a car was required to go to Atlantic City every three months to play a $500 game of three card monte with the seediest dirtbag on the boardwalk? Doesn't that sound just as ridiculous? Of course, it's not an issue if you don't want a car...I mean, America is small enough to get around without one right?

(I realize that anyone who's had to deal with auto insurance...which is pretty much everyone...already knows all this stuff. I just fucking hate car insurance so much I needed to rant about it somewhere.)

Whoever thought of car insurance...they're evil bastards, but dammit you gotta admire the genius of it. I especially admire the genius of Esurance's marketing department. I mean, they have me and (I have no doubt) others completely at their beck and call--If signing up with Esurance means having the faintest shot at getting with Erin Esurance, then dammit, I'm in! Now I know most of you are saying, "Wait Jordan, she's a cartoon! You can't do anything to get with her!" This may be true. But what I can do, is go all creepy Jimmy Stewart-in-Vertigo and dress up some random floozy in Erin Esurance's image, before I become indirectly responsible when she ends up falling out of a clocktower.........

Actually, you should all forget that I wrote any of that. The point is, Erin Esurance is the hottest cartoon female since April O'Neal, and car insurance is fucking evil.