Apologies and a New List

(Note: Don't mind the size changes. Goddamn blogspot and your infernal...dreeh.....)

Can you all believe it is already February the 24th? Was it not New Year's Eve just yesterday? And wasn't high school graduation last week? And didn't Chrono Trigger come out...like...3 months ago? Surely, Time must quicken her pace as she continually races forward into futures unknown!

That having been said, I apologize for my long absence from the world of bloggery. Time keeps a swift pace, so before I know it, a once-in-a-while post apparently becomes a tri-weekly excursion. Being at work for 10 hours, further, does not put one in the right frame of mode for intensive creative thought at night. Surely bus driving is one of the most foolish acts that I or any man could have embarked upon! In fact, you might say it's one of my....

TOP 10 LIFE REGRETS!!

10. "Hmm......yeah I can play basketball without my brace today, I'll be f-i-i-i-ine."



(Repeat 4 or 5 times.)

9. This one time me and a gaggle of friends were in Columbus, Ohio to see Paula's team in the Ultimate Nationals. We were about....5, 6 miles from Dublin, Ohio which of course was the birthplace of Wendy's and the site of the original restaurant. At the time we were all too tired or busy to make the trip, myself included.......but what were we thinking? What was I thinking? When the hell would I be back in Columbus, Ohio for any reason? If I ended up in that city within the next 20 years for any reason not involving escaping a bookie I would be shocked.

But the point is, you say "Yeah I'll be back here eventually, it's only the original fucking Wendy's. It'll be there forever!"

Until they tear it down last year.

8. "Hey Jordan, have you heard of this Google company? They're kinda new, their stock is still pretty cheap if you want to go in on some with me?"

"Fuck that!"

7. This picture:



6. ......and this picture:


Uhh......Let's move on.

5. That time I bet all my money against the Harlem Globetrotters because I thought the Generals were due.

4. Bus Driving as a Full-Time Occupation

This may not be a fair entry, because it's something I don't necessarily regret in the here and now. But I have reasonable fear that in 30 years, when I'm still driving buses because I was too lazy to get a different job, I will be an entirely different creature. All records of my employment will have passed. My name will have been lost to the sands of time, and new students will fear to ride on my bus, a wandering slip of shadow which some say still haunts the strip of Route 1 between the View and Applebee's............

3. The Epic Snack Wrap Battle


The Snack Wrap...for the longest time I coveted these beautiful culinary jewels as if they were forged in the golden depths of Montezuma's castle. They came crispy...or grilled! With honey mustard sauce....or ranch! And they were just the right size and price. Surely, each Snack Wrap was stripped directly from God's cuticles.

And then the battle began.

A simple contest, really. Me versus Sean. First man to eat 5 snack wraps. One is standard of course, two is more than acceptable. But number 3 packs a heavier punch. By number 4, you wonder what you were thinking. And lastly, number 5 makes you feel like you were there at the beaches of Normandy. We both finished of course. In terms of sheer size, 5 snack wraps is hardly deadly. But the combined force of their awesomeness is too much.

Antiquated jargon aside, me and Sean used to love snack wraps, and this contest simply proved the old adage about the abundance of good things. I think my snack wrap consumption went from 20,000 in 2006 to 3 in 2007.

2. Radiata Stories


A video game that's ridiculously frustrating to play? A game which finally plays on my fanatical desire to ensure kicking is my only way to interact with objects? And for only 50 bucks?! I'm sold!

1. "Hey Sean, let's get you drunk and see what happens!"


Actually, I honestly fear Sean's return. He tried to kill me frequently before he was trained by the U.S. government to rigorously study various means of combat. Perhaps he will learn the ways of mercy in his time on Parris Island??

(Meanwhile, in South Carolina, Sean inexplicably happens across this website, and chuckles to himself knowingly....)



Tune in next time kids for another....Inane Rambling!

The 10 Greatest Human Beings Ever

Finally, an update! I highly doubt anyone is pinning their hopes and dreams on this blog, but I certainly never meant to take this long a break. Working 10 hour days is not conducive to an energetic evening. That having been said....


Ladies and gentlemen, I propose to you the greatest list ever assembled by man or beast. Most lists cover benign or insignificant topics---best "movies", best "albums", most "fashionable." Balderdash! I propose to rank the best human beings to ever exist, based solely on a highly subjective and entirely selfish system.

Of course you'll notice that this list lacks many of the names you'd think you'd see...Jesus, Buddha, JFK, Lundgren...true these people had a great and far-reaching impact on the world as we know it...but does that make them great?

"Great" of course is an incredibly vague, highly subjective term. Thus, perhaps an explanation of the criteria is warranted. You will find that all these men are truly individuals. Not necessarily self-made or independent, but they were one of a kind. They did things their own way. Of course sometimes this was for the sake of being an asshole...some of these men would undoubtedly be miserable to be around in person. But as most of us only know them for their persona, rather than personally, that is a negative criticism of the list we can just cheerily ignore!

Lastly, I don't necessarily mean "Greatest" in the good sense
......................hell, I don't even know my own definition of the word. I suppose these are just 10 people who I get a kick out of whenever they are brought up, moreso than most people. (Of course I could make this list like 5o or 100 people deep but I've already spent way way way too much time on this.)

That having been said, please sit back and relax. Certainly some names on this list will shock you, maybe even drive you into a homicidal rage that won't end until my head is on a stake somewhere on your property. That is fine. Because whether you agree or not, when history's books are closed at the end of all times, there is no doubt that this list will be pinnacle of Greatest Human Beings lists.

10. Chester A. Arthur



A life and a presidency filled with mediocracy, he was bolstered into this venerable list by not just having a great show of facial hair, but also while having the balls to wear it in one of the most high-profile jobs in America. Never before in man's history was such an object of ridicule turned so swiftly into an object of lust.

9. Russell Jones aka Ol' Dirty Bastard aka ODB aka Dirt McGirt aka Big Baby Jesus aka Osiris aka The Man of All Rainbows aka Prince Delight aka Peanut the Kidnapper aka Freeloading Rusty aka Joe Bananas



Do I even need to explain the greatness of a man who could go by both Big Baby Jesus and Joe Bananas? ODB was easily the craziest member of the Wu-Tang Clan, the funniest, and one of the most brilliant. Of course, this brilliance may have been due to the fact that he was constantly on crack or cocaine, which is further related to the likely possibility that he suffered from a variety of mental disorders. But if years of drug abuse and borderline schizophrenia produce a catalog like ODB's, then who am I to condemn them as negative influences?

It's hard to choose a best quote for old man Jones (possible win, courtesy Renan: "wu-tang is for the children!") but if you listen to any of his songs, it won't take long until you start hearing his hilarious and somewhat disturbing drug-addled improvs and scat-singing. God bless you and your fucked up head, ODB.

8. Bruce Willis



Sure for every Fifth Element and Die Hard there's The Whole Ten Yards and Hudson Hawk. But the good movies that Willis ends up in are damn good. There's the two I already mentioned, Twelve Monkeys, Pulp Fiction, any of the other Die Hards. Willis is probably the most likable action star (although it's a close call between him and the current governor of California), because...as ridiculous as some of his movies are, somehow he always pulls off that 'right guy, wrong time' everyman....thing. In fact, I might just pull an all-night Willis marathon.

7. Karen Allen



The list's only true female, it's a wonder why Allen's career never took off. After her starring turn in Raiders of the Lost Ark (in addition to a previous role in Animal House), and with her girl-next-door, sweet but sultry hotness you'd figure that she'd become the 80's generation's....umm.....Joan Crawford? Maybe? Anyway, it was not meant to be. Don't worry Karen, at least you're in venerable company.

6. Steve Buscemi



Arguably the most attractive member of this list, Buscemi gets the nod for almost always being the best element of any movie he happens to be in. Plus the man has range: Sweet, docile bowler? Check. Talkative, buzzard-brained failure of a kidnapper? Check. Child molestor? Check. Lip-stick wearing homicidal classmate? Check.

............Hmm, on second thought maybe I haven't chosen the most flattering of his roles to show his range. But then again I'm sure most of you will know those movies by reference and will see them for the awesomeness as well as the creepiness.

Plus, consider this: Buscemi got a nasty scar from getting involved in a bar brawl with Vince Vaughn in a Wilmington, N.C. bar. True story. Can you imagine having been there when that went down, and how wholly unique a moment it was in the history of the universe?


5. Richard Nixon



What?? Zuh??? Richard Nixon? Richard Milhous Nixon? The sinister bastard who co-ordinated Watergate and made a mockery of justice government? Yes I mean the very same.

Of course, Nixon is a name you'll probably find on all variety of Worst President's Lists or Worst Human Beings Lists. In fact, according to a handy book I have called...The Book of Lists...Richard Nixon was voted in a survey of London tourists as one of the top 5 most hated and feared persons in history from 1970 to 1976, sharing space with such notables as Hitler, Jack the Ripper, Qaddafi, Mao Tse-Tung, and Idi Amin. Of course by now he would probably drop out of such a dubious list, but that survey goes to show you how vilified he was just after Watergate--when masterminding a failed plot to bug the DNC offices was equated with the Holocaust, the Cultural Revolution, or the butchering of Uganda.

But I got to give Nixon credit for being the most ruthless, self-serving politician modern democracy has ever seen. Of course I was never around for Watergate, and maybe I wouldn't view it in hindsight in such a comical way if I did...but nowadays doesn't it seem like a silly James Bond-villain sinister master plan kind of thing? I mean Nixon, as a physical creature, was the perfect villain-type! He was shady, sweaty, insecure, jowly--he looked evil! He even had his own secret organization called the Committee to Re-Elect the President, or CREEP. CREEP? CREEP??.....CREEP?! What is this, SPECTRE? Could Telly Savalas play Nixon? Seriously! CREEP! I got to give props for Nixon and add him to this list, because he is the Greatest Bond villain we'll ever actually see in real life.

(Of course, Watergate is also positive for showing that the world's most powerful democracy held even its highest office accountable, thus proving that the era of plutocratic or despotic YAWN.)

4. Joe Stalin



"One death is a a tragedy; a million is a statistic."

If the president of your country said this........I don't know, wouldn't that be a little troubling? Wouldn't that be cause for some concern?

The funny thing about that list I mentioned concerning Nixon and all the other classic baddies is that Stalin is nowhere to be found on the list. Not one year. I suppose state-condoned famines and ruthless purges aren't in vogue for evil superpower status. But perhaps that speaks to the power and mystery of Joey Stalin. He was assuredly one of the most ruthless dictators of all time, and I have to give him credit for pulling it off while simultaneously deflecting stereotypical "Villain of History" status. (Being on the good guys' side in World War II was a good choice.)

Of course, the view of Stalin is decidedly more negative now today than it ever was, but Stalin, in light of his reputation vs. that of Hitler for example, got away with a lot of repugnant shit. In his attempt to rapidly industrialize the USSR, millions, literally up to like 10 million people, were killed by famines caused by the state's greed. Of course he's also well noted for his fondness for inter-party purges and sending rivals and others to the gulags.

Did you know that when Stalin appeared at state functions the ovation he would be given would last for like 20 minutes? This was because no one wanted to be the first to stop clapping. Imagine taking the most image-obsessed, inferiority-complex ridden, paranoid, ruthless mob boss ever and making him president of a country of a 100 million and you have Stalin's USSR.

Again I must clarify, being on this list does not make him the 'Greatest' in a good way. But he gets on the list for that quote and for being the Greatest I'm-So-Fucking-Crazy-I-Killed-10-Million-Countrymen style dictator.



And the 'stache.

3. Hunter S. Thompson


"When the Going Gets Weird, the Weird Turn Pro"

Arguably the greatest journalist of our time, and he gets the distinction of being the most impulsive, unique member of this list. If I start writing about Thompson at length I'll just end up gushing, so just go and get a copy of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas/On the Campaign Trail, Great Shark Hunt, the Rum Diary, and have a ball.

2. Mathieu Kassovitz



Who? Well, here he is in a should-be-recognizable scene with Bruce Willis. I don't care if he does nothing for the rest of his life, this 1:19 sequence is pure gold.

1. Frank Sinatra



True story: One time Frank Sinatra was in a club in L.A. Not his club, but a club. A kid and his posse walked in. The kid was wearing Italian boots. He wasn't trying to hassle or mess with Sinatra, but he was wearing those damn boots. Frank had the kid thrown out of the club, and ordered the club to only allow members with suits and ties for the rest of the night. The club was more than happy to oblige.

This kind of story, one I'm sure could be repeated ad nauseum with a slight shift of detail, is what makes Sinatra the Greatest Human Being ever. Trying to describe Sinatra with mere words is like trying to describe the Sistine Chapel. Just save me the trouble and download "I Get a Kick Out of You", and if you aren't swooning by :20 seconds then you have no soul.






(..........................Yes, this is what I spend literally hours working on rather than embarking on the much more lucrative task of find a real job.)