The 10 Greatest Human Beings Ever

Finally, an update! I highly doubt anyone is pinning their hopes and dreams on this blog, but I certainly never meant to take this long a break. Working 10 hour days is not conducive to an energetic evening. That having been said....


Ladies and gentlemen, I propose to you the greatest list ever assembled by man or beast. Most lists cover benign or insignificant topics---best "movies", best "albums", most "fashionable." Balderdash! I propose to rank the best human beings to ever exist, based solely on a highly subjective and entirely selfish system.

Of course you'll notice that this list lacks many of the names you'd think you'd see...Jesus, Buddha, JFK, Lundgren...true these people had a great and far-reaching impact on the world as we know it...but does that make them great?

"Great" of course is an incredibly vague, highly subjective term. Thus, perhaps an explanation of the criteria is warranted. You will find that all these men are truly individuals. Not necessarily self-made or independent, but they were one of a kind. They did things their own way. Of course sometimes this was for the sake of being an asshole...some of these men would undoubtedly be miserable to be around in person. But as most of us only know them for their persona, rather than personally, that is a negative criticism of the list we can just cheerily ignore!

Lastly, I don't necessarily mean "Greatest" in the good sense
......................hell, I don't even know my own definition of the word. I suppose these are just 10 people who I get a kick out of whenever they are brought up, moreso than most people. (Of course I could make this list like 5o or 100 people deep but I've already spent way way way too much time on this.)

That having been said, please sit back and relax. Certainly some names on this list will shock you, maybe even drive you into a homicidal rage that won't end until my head is on a stake somewhere on your property. That is fine. Because whether you agree or not, when history's books are closed at the end of all times, there is no doubt that this list will be pinnacle of Greatest Human Beings lists.

10. Chester A. Arthur



A life and a presidency filled with mediocracy, he was bolstered into this venerable list by not just having a great show of facial hair, but also while having the balls to wear it in one of the most high-profile jobs in America. Never before in man's history was such an object of ridicule turned so swiftly into an object of lust.

9. Russell Jones aka Ol' Dirty Bastard aka ODB aka Dirt McGirt aka Big Baby Jesus aka Osiris aka The Man of All Rainbows aka Prince Delight aka Peanut the Kidnapper aka Freeloading Rusty aka Joe Bananas



Do I even need to explain the greatness of a man who could go by both Big Baby Jesus and Joe Bananas? ODB was easily the craziest member of the Wu-Tang Clan, the funniest, and one of the most brilliant. Of course, this brilliance may have been due to the fact that he was constantly on crack or cocaine, which is further related to the likely possibility that he suffered from a variety of mental disorders. But if years of drug abuse and borderline schizophrenia produce a catalog like ODB's, then who am I to condemn them as negative influences?

It's hard to choose a best quote for old man Jones (possible win, courtesy Renan: "wu-tang is for the children!") but if you listen to any of his songs, it won't take long until you start hearing his hilarious and somewhat disturbing drug-addled improvs and scat-singing. God bless you and your fucked up head, ODB.

8. Bruce Willis



Sure for every Fifth Element and Die Hard there's The Whole Ten Yards and Hudson Hawk. But the good movies that Willis ends up in are damn good. There's the two I already mentioned, Twelve Monkeys, Pulp Fiction, any of the other Die Hards. Willis is probably the most likable action star (although it's a close call between him and the current governor of California), because...as ridiculous as some of his movies are, somehow he always pulls off that 'right guy, wrong time' everyman....thing. In fact, I might just pull an all-night Willis marathon.

7. Karen Allen



The list's only true female, it's a wonder why Allen's career never took off. After her starring turn in Raiders of the Lost Ark (in addition to a previous role in Animal House), and with her girl-next-door, sweet but sultry hotness you'd figure that she'd become the 80's generation's....umm.....Joan Crawford? Maybe? Anyway, it was not meant to be. Don't worry Karen, at least you're in venerable company.

6. Steve Buscemi



Arguably the most attractive member of this list, Buscemi gets the nod for almost always being the best element of any movie he happens to be in. Plus the man has range: Sweet, docile bowler? Check. Talkative, buzzard-brained failure of a kidnapper? Check. Child molestor? Check. Lip-stick wearing homicidal classmate? Check.

............Hmm, on second thought maybe I haven't chosen the most flattering of his roles to show his range. But then again I'm sure most of you will know those movies by reference and will see them for the awesomeness as well as the creepiness.

Plus, consider this: Buscemi got a nasty scar from getting involved in a bar brawl with Vince Vaughn in a Wilmington, N.C. bar. True story. Can you imagine having been there when that went down, and how wholly unique a moment it was in the history of the universe?


5. Richard Nixon



What?? Zuh??? Richard Nixon? Richard Milhous Nixon? The sinister bastard who co-ordinated Watergate and made a mockery of justice government? Yes I mean the very same.

Of course, Nixon is a name you'll probably find on all variety of Worst President's Lists or Worst Human Beings Lists. In fact, according to a handy book I have called...The Book of Lists...Richard Nixon was voted in a survey of London tourists as one of the top 5 most hated and feared persons in history from 1970 to 1976, sharing space with such notables as Hitler, Jack the Ripper, Qaddafi, Mao Tse-Tung, and Idi Amin. Of course by now he would probably drop out of such a dubious list, but that survey goes to show you how vilified he was just after Watergate--when masterminding a failed plot to bug the DNC offices was equated with the Holocaust, the Cultural Revolution, or the butchering of Uganda.

But I got to give Nixon credit for being the most ruthless, self-serving politician modern democracy has ever seen. Of course I was never around for Watergate, and maybe I wouldn't view it in hindsight in such a comical way if I did...but nowadays doesn't it seem like a silly James Bond-villain sinister master plan kind of thing? I mean Nixon, as a physical creature, was the perfect villain-type! He was shady, sweaty, insecure, jowly--he looked evil! He even had his own secret organization called the Committee to Re-Elect the President, or CREEP. CREEP? CREEP??.....CREEP?! What is this, SPECTRE? Could Telly Savalas play Nixon? Seriously! CREEP! I got to give props for Nixon and add him to this list, because he is the Greatest Bond villain we'll ever actually see in real life.

(Of course, Watergate is also positive for showing that the world's most powerful democracy held even its highest office accountable, thus proving that the era of plutocratic or despotic YAWN.)

4. Joe Stalin



"One death is a a tragedy; a million is a statistic."

If the president of your country said this........I don't know, wouldn't that be a little troubling? Wouldn't that be cause for some concern?

The funny thing about that list I mentioned concerning Nixon and all the other classic baddies is that Stalin is nowhere to be found on the list. Not one year. I suppose state-condoned famines and ruthless purges aren't in vogue for evil superpower status. But perhaps that speaks to the power and mystery of Joey Stalin. He was assuredly one of the most ruthless dictators of all time, and I have to give him credit for pulling it off while simultaneously deflecting stereotypical "Villain of History" status. (Being on the good guys' side in World War II was a good choice.)

Of course, the view of Stalin is decidedly more negative now today than it ever was, but Stalin, in light of his reputation vs. that of Hitler for example, got away with a lot of repugnant shit. In his attempt to rapidly industrialize the USSR, millions, literally up to like 10 million people, were killed by famines caused by the state's greed. Of course he's also well noted for his fondness for inter-party purges and sending rivals and others to the gulags.

Did you know that when Stalin appeared at state functions the ovation he would be given would last for like 20 minutes? This was because no one wanted to be the first to stop clapping. Imagine taking the most image-obsessed, inferiority-complex ridden, paranoid, ruthless mob boss ever and making him president of a country of a 100 million and you have Stalin's USSR.

Again I must clarify, being on this list does not make him the 'Greatest' in a good way. But he gets on the list for that quote and for being the Greatest I'm-So-Fucking-Crazy-I-Killed-10-Million-Countrymen style dictator.



And the 'stache.

3. Hunter S. Thompson


"When the Going Gets Weird, the Weird Turn Pro"

Arguably the greatest journalist of our time, and he gets the distinction of being the most impulsive, unique member of this list. If I start writing about Thompson at length I'll just end up gushing, so just go and get a copy of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas/On the Campaign Trail, Great Shark Hunt, the Rum Diary, and have a ball.

2. Mathieu Kassovitz



Who? Well, here he is in a should-be-recognizable scene with Bruce Willis. I don't care if he does nothing for the rest of his life, this 1:19 sequence is pure gold.

1. Frank Sinatra



True story: One time Frank Sinatra was in a club in L.A. Not his club, but a club. A kid and his posse walked in. The kid was wearing Italian boots. He wasn't trying to hassle or mess with Sinatra, but he was wearing those damn boots. Frank had the kid thrown out of the club, and ordered the club to only allow members with suits and ties for the rest of the night. The club was more than happy to oblige.

This kind of story, one I'm sure could be repeated ad nauseum with a slight shift of detail, is what makes Sinatra the Greatest Human Being ever. Trying to describe Sinatra with mere words is like trying to describe the Sistine Chapel. Just save me the trouble and download "I Get a Kick Out of You", and if you aren't swooning by :20 seconds then you have no soul.






(..........................Yes, this is what I spend literally hours working on rather than embarking on the much more lucrative task of find a real job.)