Long Time No See, Old Friends

Well my little lambs, it's been nearly 7 months since my last post. I hope you all have been adequately entertained in that time span. As for my prolonged absence, well.......

let's just say I'm a lazy man.

But now I've returned, angels a-heralding, crows a-cawing, creative juices a-flowing, all the majesty of nature working in unison.

Or something.

..................

So I owe it to you all to write an extra long post covering topics from across the board.

Let's get down to brass-tacks: It's nearly October. And with a full third of a year left to go, it's time we here at Inane Ramblings ask the hard questions...the questions that penetrate to the core of American values... the questions that blast the light of knowledge through the dark heart of ignorance! The questions which upend the status quo!...Shake the cages!...Ruffle the feathers...Defibrillate the right duodenum!

*Ahem*...So without further adieu....


McCain or Obama?

One's campaign delivers on all the neatly packaged buzzwords that America needs in trying times....words like hope, and change, and terrorist fist jab. And the other is......I mean, he's old. Like, really old.

One man represents the opportunities of America, an icon for a too-long disenfranchised minority. One man is.....he's still old, so old. And white. Old and white.



But it's too easy to denigrate McCain for his age. After all, who among us can say we'll achieve a superior mental state or physical attractiveness over McCain when we're 71? Hell if I'm even genetically human when I turn 71 I'll be pleased. And who knows if I'll even be potent, as years of playing video games will have left my genitals withered and useless.

And it's hard to malign a human being who survived years of torture and hardship at the hands of the Vietcong. Have any of us known such difficulty? I mean, yeah we've all tried playing Contra without the Konami Code. That was hardship. But still....I don't know, maybe the VC torture tops that.

.........................................................

What am I saying? Contra has never been beaten without the Konami Code. We have at least one example of a man who lived through VC torture. So Contra wins this battle.

The Planned Box Art for "The Wacky Adventures of Obama and the Capital Dome"


And then there's Barack Obama. I'll admit the man has charm, charisma...he can cross a mean set of arms, too. In fact, if I'm the voter, I'd say he's too charming. Especially if I live in D.C. and have a girlfriend/wife/mistress/maid/daughter. Seriously, Obama is pretty much the black JFK right? I'll put the over/under of Obama bedding half of D.C. at.....um.......'yes'. (I've never been good with gambling terminology.) So the point is:

Black JFK versus the Ancient One?

My pick: Obama in an election day thriller reminiscent of Jackson/Quincy Adams 1828, when the election process was marred by a glut of what contemporary publications called "Flippant Haberdashery" and "Quintiferous squeeninnyism."



In other news, early press reports have discovered the various election coverage mottos for each of the major outlets:

Fox News:
"Congratulations McCain!"

CNN:
"Election '08: Each Candidate in 3 buzzwords or less!"

MSNBC:
"Election Day '08: Fuck Yeah!"


What the fuck is a "Quantum of Solace"?


quan·tum noun

1.	quantity or amount: the least quantum of evidence.

2.	a particular amount.

sol·ace noun

1.comfort in sorrow, misfortune, or trouble; alleviation of distress or discomfort.


OOOOHHHHHH I see. I'll admit, "A Particular Amount of Comfort in Sorrow, Misfortune, or Trouble" is more wordy. But seriously, the alternative for that title they chose was "Quantum of Solace"? That sounds like Max Planck's biography. Or maybe a spaceship. But as far as movie titles go it's eclipsed in awfulness only by "Rural Juror".

Why is everyone so afraid of a new Cold War?



Whether they would admit it or not, most people, myself very included, would gladly welcome a new Cold War.

Many pundits and opinion-havers claim to fear the rise of Russia and what seems like a burgeoning second Cold War; the recent turmoil in Georgia and the war of words over the U.S. Missile Defense system in Poland (of which Russian spokeshumans hinted at nuclear retaliation) is starting to feel very 1960's to 1980's. And yeah I know, times were scary and tense, nuclear war was a distinct possibility, Soviet atrocities in East Berlin yadda yadda wonk wonk wonk WHATEVER.

The truth is, the Cold War has provided us with an impossibly rich (pop) cultural legacy, the output of which has not been seen since the Populist movement of the late 1800's ushered in the era of bluegrass/folk, county fairs, pigwrestling bouts, and sorghum chewing.

I beseech you, noble reader: Would Ivan Drago be nearly as hateable if he hadn't been a Rooskie? Or for that matter, have we considered the needs of the man behind Drago, Dolph Lundgren, who can directly trace his fame to taking advantage of the Cold War intrigue?
Nothing says evil Commie punk like an icy blond flattop


Could you endure living in a cinematic time where there is no Dr. Strangelove? Without a Cold War, there's no "Miracle on Ice", no shoe-banging dramatics....dammit, none of the beautiful works of Tchaikovsky!

(--Uh...Jordan, I'm pretty sure that Tchaikovsky wasn't even alive when----)

SHUT UP

Without the creative possibilities inspired by Soviet and U.S. nuke-mongering, Tom Clancy is making subs at an Eastern Shore WaWa, and John LeCarre is probably....doing.......whatever he does when he isn't writing spy novels! And you can forget about there being space stations; without a Cold War and the need to one-up the Soviets, we're only just now, in 2008, building toy rockets.......most likely.

The point, friends, is that we need this Cold War to further America! Everyone knows that no one really cares about anything unless it's a competition. So the Russians think they're the shit because they can destroy the world 3 times over? Well we just churn churn churn our little H-bombs and we destroy the world 5 times over! Damn! What! Shit! Balls! Eat it John Q. Cossack! And thus the spirit of competition ever encourages us onwards and upwards.

Now of course you're going to have the whiners, and the Peaceniks, and the "You-Can't-Hug-Your-Children-With-Nuclear-Arms" crowd saying that a new Cold War might very well end in Armageddon. And what then is the point of a cultural and patriotic legacy if the world is destroyed? Tsk tsk tsk. To those narrow-minded individuals I say to you now:

Clearly, you've learned nothing from watching Mad Max: Return to Thunderdome.

If this is what Armageddon looks like, then count me in.

Apologies and a New List

(Note: Don't mind the size changes. Goddamn blogspot and your infernal...dreeh.....)

Can you all believe it is already February the 24th? Was it not New Year's Eve just yesterday? And wasn't high school graduation last week? And didn't Chrono Trigger come out...like...3 months ago? Surely, Time must quicken her pace as she continually races forward into futures unknown!

That having been said, I apologize for my long absence from the world of bloggery. Time keeps a swift pace, so before I know it, a once-in-a-while post apparently becomes a tri-weekly excursion. Being at work for 10 hours, further, does not put one in the right frame of mode for intensive creative thought at night. Surely bus driving is one of the most foolish acts that I or any man could have embarked upon! In fact, you might say it's one of my....

TOP 10 LIFE REGRETS!!

10. "Hmm......yeah I can play basketball without my brace today, I'll be f-i-i-i-ine."



(Repeat 4 or 5 times.)

9. This one time me and a gaggle of friends were in Columbus, Ohio to see Paula's team in the Ultimate Nationals. We were about....5, 6 miles from Dublin, Ohio which of course was the birthplace of Wendy's and the site of the original restaurant. At the time we were all too tired or busy to make the trip, myself included.......but what were we thinking? What was I thinking? When the hell would I be back in Columbus, Ohio for any reason? If I ended up in that city within the next 20 years for any reason not involving escaping a bookie I would be shocked.

But the point is, you say "Yeah I'll be back here eventually, it's only the original fucking Wendy's. It'll be there forever!"

Until they tear it down last year.

8. "Hey Jordan, have you heard of this Google company? They're kinda new, their stock is still pretty cheap if you want to go in on some with me?"

"Fuck that!"

7. This picture:



6. ......and this picture:


Uhh......Let's move on.

5. That time I bet all my money against the Harlem Globetrotters because I thought the Generals were due.

4. Bus Driving as a Full-Time Occupation

This may not be a fair entry, because it's something I don't necessarily regret in the here and now. But I have reasonable fear that in 30 years, when I'm still driving buses because I was too lazy to get a different job, I will be an entirely different creature. All records of my employment will have passed. My name will have been lost to the sands of time, and new students will fear to ride on my bus, a wandering slip of shadow which some say still haunts the strip of Route 1 between the View and Applebee's............

3. The Epic Snack Wrap Battle


The Snack Wrap...for the longest time I coveted these beautiful culinary jewels as if they were forged in the golden depths of Montezuma's castle. They came crispy...or grilled! With honey mustard sauce....or ranch! And they were just the right size and price. Surely, each Snack Wrap was stripped directly from God's cuticles.

And then the battle began.

A simple contest, really. Me versus Sean. First man to eat 5 snack wraps. One is standard of course, two is more than acceptable. But number 3 packs a heavier punch. By number 4, you wonder what you were thinking. And lastly, number 5 makes you feel like you were there at the beaches of Normandy. We both finished of course. In terms of sheer size, 5 snack wraps is hardly deadly. But the combined force of their awesomeness is too much.

Antiquated jargon aside, me and Sean used to love snack wraps, and this contest simply proved the old adage about the abundance of good things. I think my snack wrap consumption went from 20,000 in 2006 to 3 in 2007.

2. Radiata Stories


A video game that's ridiculously frustrating to play? A game which finally plays on my fanatical desire to ensure kicking is my only way to interact with objects? And for only 50 bucks?! I'm sold!

1. "Hey Sean, let's get you drunk and see what happens!"


Actually, I honestly fear Sean's return. He tried to kill me frequently before he was trained by the U.S. government to rigorously study various means of combat. Perhaps he will learn the ways of mercy in his time on Parris Island??

(Meanwhile, in South Carolina, Sean inexplicably happens across this website, and chuckles to himself knowingly....)



Tune in next time kids for another....Inane Rambling!

The 10 Greatest Human Beings Ever

Finally, an update! I highly doubt anyone is pinning their hopes and dreams on this blog, but I certainly never meant to take this long a break. Working 10 hour days is not conducive to an energetic evening. That having been said....


Ladies and gentlemen, I propose to you the greatest list ever assembled by man or beast. Most lists cover benign or insignificant topics---best "movies", best "albums", most "fashionable." Balderdash! I propose to rank the best human beings to ever exist, based solely on a highly subjective and entirely selfish system.

Of course you'll notice that this list lacks many of the names you'd think you'd see...Jesus, Buddha, JFK, Lundgren...true these people had a great and far-reaching impact on the world as we know it...but does that make them great?

"Great" of course is an incredibly vague, highly subjective term. Thus, perhaps an explanation of the criteria is warranted. You will find that all these men are truly individuals. Not necessarily self-made or independent, but they were one of a kind. They did things their own way. Of course sometimes this was for the sake of being an asshole...some of these men would undoubtedly be miserable to be around in person. But as most of us only know them for their persona, rather than personally, that is a negative criticism of the list we can just cheerily ignore!

Lastly, I don't necessarily mean "Greatest" in the good sense
......................hell, I don't even know my own definition of the word. I suppose these are just 10 people who I get a kick out of whenever they are brought up, moreso than most people. (Of course I could make this list like 5o or 100 people deep but I've already spent way way way too much time on this.)

That having been said, please sit back and relax. Certainly some names on this list will shock you, maybe even drive you into a homicidal rage that won't end until my head is on a stake somewhere on your property. That is fine. Because whether you agree or not, when history's books are closed at the end of all times, there is no doubt that this list will be pinnacle of Greatest Human Beings lists.

10. Chester A. Arthur



A life and a presidency filled with mediocracy, he was bolstered into this venerable list by not just having a great show of facial hair, but also while having the balls to wear it in one of the most high-profile jobs in America. Never before in man's history was such an object of ridicule turned so swiftly into an object of lust.

9. Russell Jones aka Ol' Dirty Bastard aka ODB aka Dirt McGirt aka Big Baby Jesus aka Osiris aka The Man of All Rainbows aka Prince Delight aka Peanut the Kidnapper aka Freeloading Rusty aka Joe Bananas



Do I even need to explain the greatness of a man who could go by both Big Baby Jesus and Joe Bananas? ODB was easily the craziest member of the Wu-Tang Clan, the funniest, and one of the most brilliant. Of course, this brilliance may have been due to the fact that he was constantly on crack or cocaine, which is further related to the likely possibility that he suffered from a variety of mental disorders. But if years of drug abuse and borderline schizophrenia produce a catalog like ODB's, then who am I to condemn them as negative influences?

It's hard to choose a best quote for old man Jones (possible win, courtesy Renan: "wu-tang is for the children!") but if you listen to any of his songs, it won't take long until you start hearing his hilarious and somewhat disturbing drug-addled improvs and scat-singing. God bless you and your fucked up head, ODB.

8. Bruce Willis



Sure for every Fifth Element and Die Hard there's The Whole Ten Yards and Hudson Hawk. But the good movies that Willis ends up in are damn good. There's the two I already mentioned, Twelve Monkeys, Pulp Fiction, any of the other Die Hards. Willis is probably the most likable action star (although it's a close call between him and the current governor of California), because...as ridiculous as some of his movies are, somehow he always pulls off that 'right guy, wrong time' everyman....thing. In fact, I might just pull an all-night Willis marathon.

7. Karen Allen



The list's only true female, it's a wonder why Allen's career never took off. After her starring turn in Raiders of the Lost Ark (in addition to a previous role in Animal House), and with her girl-next-door, sweet but sultry hotness you'd figure that she'd become the 80's generation's....umm.....Joan Crawford? Maybe? Anyway, it was not meant to be. Don't worry Karen, at least you're in venerable company.

6. Steve Buscemi



Arguably the most attractive member of this list, Buscemi gets the nod for almost always being the best element of any movie he happens to be in. Plus the man has range: Sweet, docile bowler? Check. Talkative, buzzard-brained failure of a kidnapper? Check. Child molestor? Check. Lip-stick wearing homicidal classmate? Check.

............Hmm, on second thought maybe I haven't chosen the most flattering of his roles to show his range. But then again I'm sure most of you will know those movies by reference and will see them for the awesomeness as well as the creepiness.

Plus, consider this: Buscemi got a nasty scar from getting involved in a bar brawl with Vince Vaughn in a Wilmington, N.C. bar. True story. Can you imagine having been there when that went down, and how wholly unique a moment it was in the history of the universe?


5. Richard Nixon



What?? Zuh??? Richard Nixon? Richard Milhous Nixon? The sinister bastard who co-ordinated Watergate and made a mockery of justice government? Yes I mean the very same.

Of course, Nixon is a name you'll probably find on all variety of Worst President's Lists or Worst Human Beings Lists. In fact, according to a handy book I have called...The Book of Lists...Richard Nixon was voted in a survey of London tourists as one of the top 5 most hated and feared persons in history from 1970 to 1976, sharing space with such notables as Hitler, Jack the Ripper, Qaddafi, Mao Tse-Tung, and Idi Amin. Of course by now he would probably drop out of such a dubious list, but that survey goes to show you how vilified he was just after Watergate--when masterminding a failed plot to bug the DNC offices was equated with the Holocaust, the Cultural Revolution, or the butchering of Uganda.

But I got to give Nixon credit for being the most ruthless, self-serving politician modern democracy has ever seen. Of course I was never around for Watergate, and maybe I wouldn't view it in hindsight in such a comical way if I did...but nowadays doesn't it seem like a silly James Bond-villain sinister master plan kind of thing? I mean Nixon, as a physical creature, was the perfect villain-type! He was shady, sweaty, insecure, jowly--he looked evil! He even had his own secret organization called the Committee to Re-Elect the President, or CREEP. CREEP? CREEP??.....CREEP?! What is this, SPECTRE? Could Telly Savalas play Nixon? Seriously! CREEP! I got to give props for Nixon and add him to this list, because he is the Greatest Bond villain we'll ever actually see in real life.

(Of course, Watergate is also positive for showing that the world's most powerful democracy held even its highest office accountable, thus proving that the era of plutocratic or despotic YAWN.)

4. Joe Stalin



"One death is a a tragedy; a million is a statistic."

If the president of your country said this........I don't know, wouldn't that be a little troubling? Wouldn't that be cause for some concern?

The funny thing about that list I mentioned concerning Nixon and all the other classic baddies is that Stalin is nowhere to be found on the list. Not one year. I suppose state-condoned famines and ruthless purges aren't in vogue for evil superpower status. But perhaps that speaks to the power and mystery of Joey Stalin. He was assuredly one of the most ruthless dictators of all time, and I have to give him credit for pulling it off while simultaneously deflecting stereotypical "Villain of History" status. (Being on the good guys' side in World War II was a good choice.)

Of course, the view of Stalin is decidedly more negative now today than it ever was, but Stalin, in light of his reputation vs. that of Hitler for example, got away with a lot of repugnant shit. In his attempt to rapidly industrialize the USSR, millions, literally up to like 10 million people, were killed by famines caused by the state's greed. Of course he's also well noted for his fondness for inter-party purges and sending rivals and others to the gulags.

Did you know that when Stalin appeared at state functions the ovation he would be given would last for like 20 minutes? This was because no one wanted to be the first to stop clapping. Imagine taking the most image-obsessed, inferiority-complex ridden, paranoid, ruthless mob boss ever and making him president of a country of a 100 million and you have Stalin's USSR.

Again I must clarify, being on this list does not make him the 'Greatest' in a good way. But he gets on the list for that quote and for being the Greatest I'm-So-Fucking-Crazy-I-Killed-10-Million-Countrymen style dictator.



And the 'stache.

3. Hunter S. Thompson


"When the Going Gets Weird, the Weird Turn Pro"

Arguably the greatest journalist of our time, and he gets the distinction of being the most impulsive, unique member of this list. If I start writing about Thompson at length I'll just end up gushing, so just go and get a copy of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas/On the Campaign Trail, Great Shark Hunt, the Rum Diary, and have a ball.

2. Mathieu Kassovitz



Who? Well, here he is in a should-be-recognizable scene with Bruce Willis. I don't care if he does nothing for the rest of his life, this 1:19 sequence is pure gold.

1. Frank Sinatra



True story: One time Frank Sinatra was in a club in L.A. Not his club, but a club. A kid and his posse walked in. The kid was wearing Italian boots. He wasn't trying to hassle or mess with Sinatra, but he was wearing those damn boots. Frank had the kid thrown out of the club, and ordered the club to only allow members with suits and ties for the rest of the night. The club was more than happy to oblige.

This kind of story, one I'm sure could be repeated ad nauseum with a slight shift of detail, is what makes Sinatra the Greatest Human Being ever. Trying to describe Sinatra with mere words is like trying to describe the Sistine Chapel. Just save me the trouble and download "I Get a Kick Out of You", and if you aren't swooning by :20 seconds then you have no soul.






(..........................Yes, this is what I spend literally hours working on rather than embarking on the much more lucrative task of find a real job.)

Why Are You Still Reading This??

McNulty: I got to ask you. If every time Snotboogie would grab the money and run away, why'd you even let him in the game?
Witness: You got to, this is America man.


I ask you again: why are you still reading this blog, when you could be watching the wire right now?? That 200 bucks you have set aside for....for "rent"? "F-o-o-o-o-o-d"? Petty obstacles blocking you from your true purpose. Plunk that money down on the wire seasons 1-4 DVD set and sign away the next week of your life. I could sit here all day and talk to you about the wire and I would not even be close to overhyping it.

Of course, there are some who might read this who have watched it or are currently on the path...I congratulate them. But what about the rest of you!?

"Oh I'll get to that eventually, I've heard it's good and all I just haven't found the time."

Certainly this quote applies to a great many quality things out there----Studio Ghibli films (more on that in a later post), the Dark Side of the Moon album, reading Catch-22, 3am visits to Waffle House----certainly these are great things that may end up getting pushed out of the way by the natural disorder and chaos of life. But The Wire deserves all expenditure of your time, and wallet!

"Get to the point, asshole!"

Alrightalrightalright, relax. Let me tell you about the Wire. It's hands down the most realistic, cynical, genuine show there is concerning crime. Most network crime shows--even the 'best' of the bunch like L&O or NYPD Blue--are mainly concerned with moralistic cops and robbers tales. Each episode is about unraveling the crime at hand, and the resolution is either "We Got 'Em!" or "damn, he got away.....this time!" But the problem with those shows is that they don't question the elements of criminality at all. Sure they show worlds we don't get to see every day, but in the end it's just escapist entertainment.

The Wire, by showing us a complete criminal world from the corner boys to City Hall, gives us a full picture for how crime is addressed in modern America. The police force is driven more by politics and self-aggrandizement then any crime-prevention ideal....the drug world is filled more with innocent, no-way-out outcasts than it is with sadistic criminals. Ultimately, the people are at the mercy of the broader institutions of life, whose authority no one can fight back against, if they're even smart enough to question.

But getting away from metaphysical mumbo-jumbo, the acting and writing are all flawless. Seasoned actors mix with the everyday citizens of Baltimore who often fill in the numerous roles--and only screentime, not ability, tells you who is supposed to be the "pro" actor. The writing is impeccable, wrought from the extensive experience of the creator and head producer, David Simon and Ed Burns (no, not that Ed Burns), who have at least 40 years, I believe, of combined Baltimore experience.


Of course if you want to see better written reviews of the show, there are countless articles from esquire, or the new yorker, or the atlantic (which I linked to in an earlier post), or AV Club, all available on the Internet. If you haven't read those, then they will be far more informative. I only hope that anyone who reads this will be driven to pursue the show and/or those articles with a mad fervor.

The best I can do, is not to analyze the show, but to yell from the highest mountains and the deepest seas: drop what you're doing, whatever it is, right now, and start watching the Wire. Now.

If you don't know who this is, you have a lot of catching up to do.

Video Games Make Me Feel Old

The other week I was helping my father set up his e-mail account. Keep in mind the man is 70-odd years of age, and the only computer experience he has is the solitaire program. And as I was teaching him, I realized just how much we take for granted when we use the internet. We know what a browser is, what a window is, how to find a link, the fact that links come in different colors and tabs and sizes etc. etc. My father of course was completely baffled at first by the whole process, and when you think about it, who can blame him? We're so de-sensitized to the internet's complexity, not just because we've used it so frequently, but also because it's not that revolutionary to us. We were all born into a world with computers; my dad's birth predates ENIAC by like...2o years. Obviously, the jump from typewriter to internet is a bigger leap than one that we've faced.

The reason I bring this all up is that I've noticed with dread that the same thing is happening to me and this New Generation of video games. I remember back in the day that to play a video game you put the game in the thing, hit the power button, that's it. But having fallen out of touch with these new systems, due primarily to financial restrictions and a general fade in interest, I realize how old I am. Xbox live? Wii menu? What is this? Of course, I realize that if I owned these systems they're not that complicated to pick up. But nothing makes me feel more ancient than fumbling around on xbox live trying to play the damn game and I end up drooling all over myself and falling asleep at 2 in the afternoon.

But of course, it's not just the complexity of the games themselves. It's the quality also. Games today are trying to emulate Hollywood blockbusters--more graphics, more explosions, more violence. But where's the heart, friends? Where's the heart? This fascinating discussion by Slate.com video game edtiors (courtesy Ben Mauk) discusses how the median age of the first gamers has obviously risen while games have refused to age along with them, creating an unfulfilling generation of games that seek to entertain but not provoke (among other philosophical conundrums.)

Of course it's hard to argue with the big budget approach of games nowadays, given the unstoppable success of the industry as a whole. Video games are making more money than ever, eclipsing Hollywood itself in total revenue. And perhaps you've heard of the various video game tournament and video game leagues out there, offering six-figure contracts to the best players? There's no denying that video games are grabbing the younger generation of gamers even more powerfully than it did the first generation(s) of gamers.

This game requires a Pentium 8 computer with 3 gigs of RAM and 5 kajillion MB of hard-drive space.

In the end though, the march of high-tech gaming is unstoppable. When I started this post, I thought I'd be able to find a deeper meaning in it all, but I realize I'm just a bitter old man who can't get behind these newfangled systems. Bah! Who needs 'em? When those kids throw away their soon-to-be obsolete PS3s and 360s and they move on to the new $600, 50 lb. system with blu-ray capabilities and a built-in shoebuffer and coffee grinder, me and the old folks will still be rockin' Super Metroid and Ocarina of Time, and we'll be damn grateful for the opportunity too.

Now this is a game.

Wham-Bam, What the F--k Just Happened?

Many of you know my vested interest in basketball, both as a sport of leisure and as a gentleman's game of wits and words. Unfortunately, I know few personally who share this interest, and fewer still who want to play the game. But this blog will no doubt be filled with many basketball posts and references. Hopefully by the end you all will have been inundated with so much basketball that you'll have no choice but to become a devoted fan of the sport. With that said....

If you told me that the Wizards were going to beat Boston twice in a row, I'd have called you a goddamn liar. A lousy, no-account goddamn liar. I would've called you the worst human being since Hitler, and I'd be right too. But here we are: the Wiz now sit at a not-too-bad 20 and 16, and the Celtics (2-3 in their last 5) no longer seem invincible. Even more amazing though is what the Wiz are doing all this without Arenas.

The Wizards were one of those teams like the Lakers and the Bucks--without their best player they were nothing. Guaranteed creampuffs. But this Bullets team is different. They have chemistry and maturity. Jamison and Butler form a great two-man combo; Jamison is one of five 20 point/10 rebound players in the whole league, and Butler is playing the best basketball of his career. Together, they are the highest scoring forward tandem in the league. They're also getting decent production out of their role players--Blatche is only going to get better, and Haywood, although he never will be a top tier center, is having a better-than-average year. (Perhaps knowing that he won't have to compete with Etan for the starter's spot gives him less to worry about.)



Of course, the tempting assumption is that when Arenas does return the Wizards will become even more powerful. But should we be so hasty? No doubt Arenas is an offensive force, and everyone in D.C. will be cheering his return, but let's not forget some basic facts:

1. Arenas is so concerned with proving all his nay-sayers wrong and building himself up that he's becoming something of a diva. Sure, he's no Randy Moss, but I see his burgeoning arrogance becoming a problem down the line. Will he be able to mesh with the Wizards nicely, now that they've found a collective strength? Or will he again become the focus and force the rest of the team--more or less--into a secondary role?

2. It's a well-known fact around the Verizon Center that Jamison is considered the team's locker room leader. Even though Arenas is the star, he's repeatedly stated that he doesn't want to be the locker room leader, that he's not serious enough, that he'd rather be the joker. You're telling me that this doesn't at least have the possibility to cause locker room problems? He's the star, but he's not taking advantage of this to be a real leader?

Of course, I'm not saying he should hold himself to 20 points, or 20 field goal attempts, and then just pass the rest of the way. But ideally, when he returns, Arenas should lower his PPG totals a little bit (from his typical range of 27-29; he's at 22 this season which should suffice), raise his assists per game to 7 or 8, maybe even 9, and acknowledge that this team is no longer Arenas' wizards. He can still be the star, but fortunately the Wiz have evolved beyond the point where he needs to carry them on his back.

(Of course, let's give the man credit for being the funniest player in the NBA. His blog is already famous, but here's a link anyway--humorous and insightful.)

1/15 Update: How the Wizards are going to be Boston twice and then lose to the Knicks is beyond me. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt for now, but they better not start playing to their competition, the scourge of nearly all D.C. metro area teams.


------More links!

Everyone knows there's no one more basketball than Frank Sinatra, so I've included a link to a groundbreaking article from 1965 by Gay Talese. If you have 30 minutes, it's a fascinating look at Sinatra's unique gravitas and power. You think Zak Efron has a chance of turning his own heartthrob-singer career into something like Frank's? Maybe once he starts kicking people out of Hollywood bars he doesn't even own for wearing Italian boots...we'll see.

This is a link I stole from ESPN.com's Bill Simmons, but dammit it's fascinating. It's an article on David Simon, creator of "The Wire" (which you'll definitely see a post about in the near future, trust me), that analyzes the neutrality and authenticity of Simon's alternate-reality Baltimore.


Lastly, here's a bizarre photograph of me and current Cincinnati Bearcats quarterback Ben Mauk for no reason. I'm the one who looks really fucking weird.

Ode to Erin Esurance

Oh Erin Esurance, why must you only exist in cartoon form?

I have a secret, unrequited love for double E, and if anyone reading this claims they don't have that same love then they're a damn liar. I mean...the neon-pink hair! The kick-ass way she dispatches evil competitor auto insurance companies! The basketball outfit!...Damn! Erin Esurance is almost perfect..........almost.

Of course, Esurance's fatal flaw comes from the inherent implication of her work, her inherent betrayal of all that is good and decent--her unashamed endorsement of auto insurance. As we all know, auto insurance is probably the greatest scam perpetrated on the average American. I mean, it's so brilliant it's scary: "Alright guys...we'll make people pay us hundreds of dollars to insure their cars...but we call all the shots on how to spend it! Don't worry valued customer, we'll say, we're more concerned about you than our profit margin. And, we'll force them to go through our own mechanics! They won't...I don't know, be biased right? Success!" I mean, how is that possible? And of course, the real coup de grace, the true genius--it's illegal not to have it! The greatest victory for any scam is making it legitimate. What if every American who owned a car was required to go to Atlantic City every three months to play a $500 game of three card monte with the seediest dirtbag on the boardwalk? Doesn't that sound just as ridiculous? Of course, it's not an issue if you don't want a car...I mean, America is small enough to get around without one right?

(I realize that anyone who's had to deal with auto insurance...which is pretty much everyone...already knows all this stuff. I just fucking hate car insurance so much I needed to rant about it somewhere.)

Whoever thought of car insurance...they're evil bastards, but dammit you gotta admire the genius of it. I especially admire the genius of Esurance's marketing department. I mean, they have me and (I have no doubt) others completely at their beck and call--If signing up with Esurance means having the faintest shot at getting with Erin Esurance, then dammit, I'm in! Now I know most of you are saying, "Wait Jordan, she's a cartoon! You can't do anything to get with her!" This may be true. But what I can do, is go all creepy Jimmy Stewart-in-Vertigo and dress up some random floozy in Erin Esurance's image, before I become indirectly responsible when she ends up falling out of a clocktower.........

Actually, you should all forget that I wrote any of that. The point is, Erin Esurance is the hottest cartoon female since April O'Neal, and car insurance is fucking evil.